For those who are following my story… I’m still here. & I’m still sober.
84 days in a row alcohol free, to be exact. Or, twelve weeks. It’s like “baby age”. We count by days, then by weeks, eventually by months, then one day we stop counting all together and have to reach back in our memory bank to remember the exact day and year it all began.
I’m looking forward to that time.
These past couple of weeks have been pretty trying. We had a COVID scare in my household and were required to jump through hoops with my daughter’s school nurse, pediatrician, and COVID testing site. She thankfully tested negative – come to find out, we can actually get colds during this time? Who’da thought? <sarcasm>
Work has been extra “special” over the past two weeks. I am working on a big project and not getting a lot of help from my staff. Kind of like when you are in a hurry to rush out the door but you need your kid to load the dishwasher. He throws food-covered dishes willy nilly in the top and bottom racks, cups are stacked on top of each other, silverware is thrown at the basket. You could ask him to go back and redo it, but you’re in a hurry so you just do it yourself so it doesn’t cause more work, ruin the dishwasher, or destroy the surrounding floor. Same scenario at work, only instead of dishes, I am dealing with a giant, make-or-break contract. Fun times.
And then there is my Old Man. My dad has been dealing with health complications, and instead of his wife purchasing nebulizers and reading glasses, and ensuring he is taking his prescribed medication and not over the counter medication that is destroying his liver, and supporting him at doctor’s appointments, and helping him figure out expenses and retirement and his next steps… she is living in another state. Oh, she came back a couple of months ago for Dad to buy her a car, but turned around and left again. <breathe, Cari> Before I get off on a tangent and post some shit I really want to air out but won’t for my Dad’s sake…. my sister and I, who both live out of town, have been trying our damnedest to help our dad out. I live the closest (an hour and half away) and I am so glad that I am close enough to take him to his appointments. My sister is a freaking machine when it comes to organization (I’m pretty organized myself, but she puts me to shame in that department), and has taken on the phone calls and searching out alternative medicine and created documents to help us keep it all straight. It’s nice to be in contact with my sister again… we make a pretty good team when we want to.
In addition, I have been taking my oldest wedding dress shopping the past two weekends. I am not a “shopper” and am trying my hardest to play the part and say the right things. I had to Google different material names and necklines and dress cuts so I wasn’t sitting there like a deer in the headlights. I am honored that she asked me to be a part of this milestone and don’t want to screw anything up. Guys, she is going to look like a princess. Eek!!
On top of aaaaalllllll that… packing lunches and helping with the kids’ homework and shuttling my son to practice and cleaning the house and making dinner and car maintenance and getting a workout in and laundry and Monday yoga and grocery shopping….. Life. On top of all that is life.
I feel like I am being pulled in eight different directions, but… I am doing it sober. Honestly, I think I haven’t lost my shit yet because I haven’t picked up a bottle. Don’t get me wrong, there have been the occasional cravings. When I came home after a full day of my dad’s last set of appointments, I wanted to numb what I had just learned about his health. Instead, I sat through the pain, dissected it, compartmentalized what I could change and what I couldn’t, wrote it all down, then let my husband hold me while I got a good cry out.
And then I got angry. Angry, because alcohol (and cigarettes) is why my dad is in this predicament in the first place.
Add another tool to MY sobriety toolbox.
If you are on the same journey that I am, the biggest takeaway from this post is that there are always going to be struggles in life. How you deal with them is key. Numbing yourself isn’t going to solve anything; the problems will still be there and you will still be required to deal with them eventually. Approaching them head on sucks. It hurts, it still hurts, but they seem more… manageable? Less anxiety, less depression, a clearer head, a more defined thought process on next steps. These help, not alcohol.
I have a few posts that I have been working on for you, my dear readers. Thank you for being patient with me; I promise I will get them out when I have a little more down time. In the meantime, here is a random picture of some 1/2 used bars of soap I found in my dad’s shower when I cleaned the other day. I hope you get a kick out of it! I sure did!