Have you ever performed on stage or given a speech?

I perform on a virtual stage daily at my job. < enter circus music here >

In all seriousness, the only “performance” that sticks in my mind was a drunken karaoke duet to that Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow song, Picture. It was horrible. Terrible. Good thing there were only four people in the bar at the time. I hung my head in defeat as I sauntered off stage.

Oh, and I guess there was that “performance” when I was selected as a character in a Murder Mystery Dinner Theater at the local winery.

Unbeknownst to me.

The theme was “Roaring ’20s” and my husband and I were dressed to the hilt, he in his pinstriped suit and fedora, me in my flapper dress and heels. We looked good.

There was zero indication that I would be part of the show. We were simply two theatergoers who dressed up like 75% of the other attendees. By the time I was called into action, we had worked our way through the event reception wine, the pre-dinner wine, the appetizer wine, and were ass deep in the dinner wine. I was a bit tipsy… Let me rephrase that. I was tanked.

I don’t remember my entire performance.  I know I used my ‘Southern Georgia Belle’ accent. I did “The Macarana” and heard a lot of laughter.  Could have been good laughter. Could’ve been bad. I improvised with apparent ease, due to the slaps on the back and compliments after the show. The rest is fuzzy. My husband said he was embarrassed for me, not because of my performance but being in front of tons of people makes him cringe. Or so he says.

I guess there was also my small part in the 5th grade play. I portrayed “The Colonel”, said one line, then stomped off the stage. I was wearing my teacher’s high heel shoes. I remember nothing else. Not the name of the play, nothing.

I’ve given many schpeels, but not so many speeches. Speeches I envision someone standing up at a podium, reading a prepared script and ad hocing as appropriate.

I don’t stand behind podiums.

My most nerve-wracking schpeel was briefing on a national call on the subject of my branch and its mission. Should’ve been easy, right? Yeah, I had been in the position for all of two months before I was tasked to present to this large crowd. Hell, I was still learning what my branch actually did! Nothing like getting thrown into the deep end.

My biggest schpeel was to 732 people on another national call. Yes, that is an exact number. It is embedded into my brain, as I was sweating bullets the entire time.

My most satisfying schpeel was when I was able to share my vision of what our organizational structure should look like. I spoke eloquently, answered each question after the presentation with ease, and feel like I really sold my ideas.  I’ve given several other subsequent schpeels on the same topic with the same sense of accomplishment.

There are people who thrive in the performance arts and public speaking. Those who can turn a dial and be someone else. Those who thrive being the center of attention or speaking to large crowds.

This girl is not one of them.

Hard pass, if I can help it. Biggest reason why? I don’t like people looking at me.