What have you been putting off doing? Why?

I’m one of those people who rely heavily on “to do” lists to maintain my sanity. I have lists for work, I have lists for home. I have “today to do” lists and lists geared towards future goals. I find deep satisfaction in crossing off a task and putting a big “C/W” next to it (throw back from my aircraft maintenance years, representing “Complied With”).

While I’m kick ass at crossing off “today to dos”, the future state to dos seem to continuously take a back seat. Biggest hurdles? Time. Lack of energy. Oh, and that pesky little thing called “my family members are a bunch of pigs who can’t pick up after themselves”.

I work a full time job. I budget our family finances and pay the bills. I relearn the curriculum being taught to my children so I can assist with nightly homework. I meal plan and prep, to include making homemade peanut butter because my daughter refuses to eat store bought. Apparently, I’m the only one in the family who is capable of forming a coherent thought on “what’s for dinner”. More times than not, I am also responsible for preparing that dinner. I purchase vitamins and other family consumables like soap, D.O. for the B.O., and laundry detergent. God forbid the boy runs out of body wash. I am solely responsible for the laundry (my choice) since the last time someone “helped out” an entire weeks’ worth of work pants were shrunk to little people size. I established a house cleaning schedule, with a handy dandy printout so all know exactly what is expected of them on which days. Unfortunately, if I don’t stand over the kids or take the initiative to begin said tasks, nothing gets done.

I know what you’re thinking… or, at least I am… where the fuck is your husband in all of this? Let’s just say that my husband had a very different upbringing. He was raised with a complete lack of parental oversight. He doesn’t find importance in maintaining and preventing and upkeep. It’s something we are working on.

I also have a very strong need to maintain order in my house. I cannot stand clutter, to the point where excessive shit laying around the house is triggering and will throw me into a sort of panic attack. I had a counselor tell me that this need for constant order stems from a lack of control during my childhood. Yeah, okay… I can see that. But how do I fix this now? I’ve tried explaining my concerns to my family, either while sobbing uncontrollably after one of these out-of-nowhere anxiety attacks or during a family heart to heart. I’m always met with empathetic concern and promises of “help” but it’s always short lived.

I’ve put off pulling and processing honey from my beehives, winterizing the beehives, repainting the trim and wainscoting in the living room, replacing the window screens, replanting my mums, cleaning out and organizing the downstairs storage room, dehydrating the nasturtium leaves, moving my plants inside for the winter, harvesting the last crop of potatoes, harvesting and dehydrating the basil, harvesting and dehydrating the catnip, starting a batch of kombucha, cleaning out my “dumping ground” office closet, painting the upstairs bathroom, refinishing the kitchen cabinets, doing something with the big bucket of hickory nuts I picked up last weekend, winterizing the RV, touch-up painting and adhering the falling wallpaper in the RV, shopping for a coffee and side tables for the living room, finding an accent chair for the living room, painting the deck table and chairs, taping up the outside fireplace cover, reading my book I want to finish by the end of the month, and not last and certainly not least, doing something with my The Legend of Evergreen children’s book that a few short years ago I was so determined to publish.

But alas, I’m tired ya’ll. Utterly exhausted. Because someone couldn’t throw away the Goddamn packaging from their latest Amazon delivery and my time was spent picking it up, in addition to the pair of shoes by the stairs, the back rollers left in the living room, the slime containers in the kitchen, dining room, on the fireplace hearth, and on the buffet, the dirty laundry left on the floor of the bathrooms, the fucking dog hair on my brand new couch (why the hell was the dog on my brand new couch?!), the Halloween mask and voice changer left on the kitchen counter, the half empty (not full, definitely not half full) water bottle discarded in the laundry room……. <deep breath>….

Maybe I’ll be able to tackle my Future State To Dos when my kids move out and I move my husband into the Old Folks home.