I have asked myself that question every single time I have sat down to write a blog post, for almost a year now. Seriously, I have like 12 drafts in WordPress-land that will never see the light of day. I’ve been struggling, friends and fellow bloggers. It’s been brutal.
Growing up, and even into adulthood, I always knew there was something wrong with my relationship with my mother and how she triangulated and pitted my siblings and I against each other. I never had a name for it. It was just how things were. It was the norm. Last May, however, my entire world split apart and a name for the abuse was revealed. After the final blow, I made the extremely difficult decision to go “no contact” with my emotionally abusive, narcissistic mother. That, in turn, included cutting ties with that entire side of my family.
While I am not going to go into detail on my very lonely personal road to recovery, I do want to mention that having your eyes opened to a narcissist’s behavior, especially when that person is a parent, makes you question everything.
I started second guessing how I parented, my behavior as a wife, the type of friend that I was. Everything I did, said, and posted on social media made me question whether or not my behavior was equally narcissistic.
I tried to work through it with writing. I posted a couple of “funny” stories, some past writing contests, an opinion post. I even created a new blog that I intended to use as a way to write about my experience with going no contact. Each time I posted, though, I found myself asking the same question…
I have been second guessing everything I write. Is this story really all that comical? Does anyone share my opinion? Was my new blog just another platform looking for an audience?
Even sitting down to write this post, I have questioned whether or not I will actually go through with it and hit that “publish” button. Who cares, right?
The thing is, I enjoy writing and sharing my family’s crazy antics. My life is messy, hilarious, complicated, entertaining, hectic, and so fucking incredible. I like to write posts that others can relate to, minus the filters, pretenses and falsities. I love making people giggle, snicker, and belly-laugh with my creativity. It’s what I do.
So, the truth is… I care. And while my own flesh and blood could care less, I have an army of other family and friends that care too.