Conquering the Mulled Cheese Ball with MY Perfect Hangover Cure

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The hangover from my Mulled-Wine-Cheese-Ball-Bad-Birthday binge was no joke.  I guess in my drunken stupor, I took my eldest daughter’s advice from earlier in the night and drew a bath in my garden tub, complete with Epsom Salts to “relax”.  Here’s a nice equation for you:

Too much wine + cheese balls + magnesium from the salts + a warm bath = …………………………

I woke up several hours later in ice cold water with my teeth chattering out of my head.  I immediately felt the small of my back to verify both of my kidneys were still present and accounted for, and slowly pulled myself out of the tub.  I am pretty sure rigor mortis was just starting to set in.   I peeled my contacts out of my eyes, wiped off my make-up, wrapped myself in my hubby’s t-shirt, and zombie-shuffled to bed.

Two hours later… at 0200 hours, for anyone who is concerned… My eyes fly open.  What the hell?!  For whatever reason, the only thing I could think about at 2 o’clock in the morning was….

Hummus.  Yep, you read that right.  Freaking chickpeas.  Mind you, I am not a late-night snacker.  Usually, once I am down for the night, food is the last thing on my mind.  But this night?  I craved hummus like my body needed  it for survival.  More intense than a pregnancy-craving, and before anyone gets any bright ideas, no.  Just no.

I shuffle out to the kitchen, find a tub of hummus, the bag of pretzel chips, and head back to bed to enjoy my snack and an episode of, get this, Under the Dome.  Seriously!?  My drunk-alter-ego CARL is apparently a huge fan of hummus and Mike Vogel (“Barbie”).

I text my hubby (got to love time changes and cell phones on deployments) who reminds me that the kids were going to be up in a few hours, and I that I should really, really try and fall back asleep.  Which I did.  Amongst the empty hummus tub and pretzel chip crumbs.

Unlike my Crappy Birthday,  my kids actually did sleep in.  Well, by our standards at least.

0730 rolls around and here comes MacKenzie, padding into my room, dragging Pink Meow by the leg, followed closely by Xena Pepita Tent.  I combat roll out of bed… today is a new day, damnit, and I will not be overcome by the same negativity that broke me down the day before!

My feet hit the floor.  I sway a bit, and…. BAM!!  Who in the hell smashed my skull in while I was sleeping?!  I check the mirror: I was certain there was some sort of goose-egg from a blast upside my head or chip implanted by aliens or something that could be causing this much pain.  Nothing.  I search my mind…. Fucking cheese balls and mulled wine. Or the ice bath… or the hummus… or the horrible episode of Under the Dome… or the lack of sleep… or any combination of the above.

And finally, (if I still have any readers left at this point) I make it to the moral of my pathetic story:   MY perfect hangover cure.

Yes, it is MY perfect hangover cure.  This is where I am supposed to say, blah, blah, blah, what you are about to read works for me, and I do not promote or condone the consumption of the following ingredients, blah, blah, blah.  We are all adults (well, most of us), but I just want to head off some sue-happy jack-wagon’s attempt to take my savior and cheapen it.  That is why it is mine.  I am just writing… you know, for me.  To write.

MY Perfect Hangover Cure

  • 2 quarts of water
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons of salt
  • 12 teaspoons of sugar
  • Grapefruit Essential Oil (or lemon juice or lime juice to flavor)
  • Straw
  • Ice
  1. Combine water, salt and sugar in a pitcher.  Stir until salt and sugar are dissolved.
  2. Add ice to a large glass, until about the half-way point (you want to leave enough room for plenty of liquid).
  3. Add ONE drop of grapefruit essential oil on top of the ice.  <blah, blah, blah… Essential oils are not meant for human consumption, blah, blah, blah.  If you are concerned, add fresh lemon or lime juice.>
  4. Fill the glass with the water-salt-sugar liquid.
  5. Using the straw, drink the liquid, but leave the bottom 1/2inch behind.
  6. Repeat steps 3 – 5.

It is very important that you use a straw if you are following my lead with the grapefruit essential oil.  While this oil works miracles on hangovers, nausea, etc., it is an essential oil, super concentrated, and can cause skin/lips/mouth irritation.  Essential oils are nothing to mess with and most should be combined with a carrier oil before application.  (Exceptions, lavender and tea tree)

Don’t believe me?  Let me tell you about this time I thought I was going to take a nice, relaxing, meditating bath with anise and ginger essential oils: I didn’t mix the oils in a carrier, and ended up getting chemical burns on my stomach, back of my knees, all of my back – pretty much any place that the oils floating on top of the water touched my skin.  So, yeah.  It sucks… Take heed, and respect the oils.

But it does help.  And the grapefruit helps to choke down the nasty-ass, homemade, adult Pedialyte that you just created.  This, in turn, will hydrate your brain enough to seriously contemplate never, ever partaking in a mulled-wine-cheese-ball fest again.

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